Showing posts with label satire. Show all posts
Showing posts with label satire. Show all posts

Thursday, October 24, 2019

BREAKING: Local Texas Teabagger Congressmen have poopy

No Place but Texas.

Texas Teabag Congressman Brian Babin, Pete Olson, and Randy Weber soiled themselves while joining in a stunt to obstruct justice at an impeachment hearing. The stunt lead by the far white wing of the party disrupted one of three committee impeachment hearings. They brought their cell phones into a secure facility that does not allow cell phones. They chanted like freshmen at a panty raid. They ordered pizza and stuffed their faces with warm fried cock from Chick-Fil-A. Then they left their trash for others to pick up.

In trying to defend their savior, Donald Trump, they were claiming the hearings are being held in secret, in a basement, even though that is where the secure facility is located and the rules allow only those on the specific committee to be in the facility. Republicans were in the committee meeting. There was no secrecy to it. In fact the date, time, and location was public knowledge.

One of these days, after the testimony has been taken under oath, these hearings will be in the open and the teabaggers will get what they want along with a dozen eggs on their face. I can see the Democrats bringing Rick Perry in front of the cameras and all the tea baggers conveniently missing the meeting. It's going to happen.

Until then, Babin, Olson, and Weber has poopies much like Joe Swanson of Family guy.

Monday, June 24, 2019

Breaking: Trump calls for draft for war in Iran

President Donald J. Trump calls for a draft to prepare for war with Iran

 Foreign Policy Issued on: 

On June 24, 2019, by Executive Order 13466, the President declared a national emergency, with respect to a potential war with Iran, and pursuant to the International Emergency Economic Powers Act has called for a draft to replenish and maintain the strength of our military forces.

The President has called upon the Director of the Selective Service System, Donald Benton, to develop the rules for a draft including guidelines for deferments, medical situations, and exemptions for family care givers. The President has provided the following comments:

"Because of the endless wars by the Obama Administration our military service men are spread too thin. They have fought courageously through multiple tours. It is time to replenish their ranks especially with an inevitable war with Iran. The Director should set guidelines for the draft to include men and women, no deferments of any kind, and a tax for families who cannot participate in war time activities. The only exception should be for family care givers."

The President's guideline also include a tax on families that do not send their family members into battle in order to help pay for the war. Students drafted while in college would finish their semester and return after their tour of duty. High school graduates would begin immediately if selected. Everyone will participate in some fashion.

"Under my plan every single family in America would be able to perform their patriotic duty in the war in Iran by fighting or paying for the war. The 2nd Amendment Patriots of America who enjoy walking the streets dressed as a soldier and carrying an assault rifle can now walk in the streets of Iran serving their country with a taxpayer provided weapon. Even those with bone spurs can now participate and serve their country." 

June 21, 2019.

Friday, April 26, 2019

TX Lt Gov Dan Patrick issues statement on Masturbation Bill

April 26, 2019

AUSTIN – Lt. Governor Patrick issued the following statement today concerning the filing of the  "Man's right to know" bill which would fine men for excessive masturbation.

"Texans have a long history of independence, free from over reaching restrictions to a man's well being and health. This bill, which restricts a man's right to masturbate, is not only an insult to the freedoms men have fought for, it is an embarrassment to the House and Senate. I urge both Houses to rise up and denounce this frivolous bill as nothing more than a knee jerk reaction."

"I want to assure all my male conservatives in the great state of Texas that I will lead the charge in beating this bill. What a man does in his own bathroom, bedroom, office, closet, or 2nd floor cloak room is no ones business. Regulating a man's right to masturbate will rub many men the wrong way and will lead to a slippery slope."

"I pledge to all the men in Texas that I will beat off all supporters of this bill with both hands. Now please enjoy the complimentary cigarettes and paper towels."

Thursday, April 25, 2019

TX Congressman Brian Babin issues statement on Joe Biden

It's hard to make up stuff like this!

From a Facebook post by Congressman Brian Babin TX CD36:

Former Vice President Joe Biden has been in the news a lot lately, along with the predictable narrative that he has a distinguished record on matters of foreign policy. But if you actually look at his record, you’ll see that the opposite is true. As former Secretary of Defense Robert Gates said, “I think [Biden] has been wrong on nearly every major foreign policy and national security issue over the past four decades.” I took to the House floor today to address those who may believe Biden is the right man to lead our nation as President.

Babin was using the House floor to campaign against the Democratic front runner Joe Biden questioning whether he was the "right" man to lead our nation. He continued:

Joe Biden does not reflect the traditional conservative values of the Republican Party. He has not had sex with a porn star, paid her off, or lied about the entire affair. He hasn't lied every single day to the American people. He hasn't mocked a disabled American or a decorated deceased war veteran. He hasn't created a Trillion dollar deficit, added $2 Trillion to our debt to China. He hasn't put dirty Mexican children in cages away from their mothers or called white supremacist "fine people". He hasn't alienated our allies or coddled the likes of dictators like Kim Jong Un. He hasn't spoken in support of dismembering a journalist as long as we make money doing it. He hasn't even grabbed any women by the damn p**** for god's sake! Besides Trump is an asshole and it is tough to be an asshole. I yield my time.
 Yeah. That is what he was thinking.

Thursday, April 04, 2019

Ed Emmett: She should have said "hunker down"

Former Harris County Judge Ed Emmett hasn't recovered from the loss in 2018 to County Judge Lina Hildago providing a sour grapes interview to Joe Eisenbaum of Click2Houston

Eisenbaum: "What's your best advice moving forward?"
Emmett: "The most important thing now is to say, 'Hunker Down'. Saying 'Hunker Down' makes you look like everything is under control, you have whatever is coming under control, like when I said 'hunker down' when hit by Hurricane Ike and Hurricane Harvey although hunkering down didn't work out for many.
Actually, that isn't what he said but for many just mouthing a stupid saying like 'Hunker down' is enough for them to declare someone is fit for office. It's as if that is actually a strategy. If only it was that easy. For Ed it was. Instead of reaching out to Judge Lina Hidalgo, to provide his wisdom from his years of service, he  hunker down with the media. 
Eisenbaum: "What's your best advice moving forward?"
Emmett: "The most important thing now is to say, 'OK, what can we do better?' That's always a learning experience, and the professionals in the county will do that."
That is what he really said. Here is my advise. Shut up.

Thursday, January 24, 2019

Republicans at NASA instructed to clean the bathrooms

It's hard to make up shit like this. Literally. From The Hill:
A NASA manager posted on Twitter on Thursday a sign hanging outside the bathroom asking staff to volunteer to clean the bathrooms once per week amid the ongoing partial government shutdown, as reported by The Houston Chronicle.

Press Release: Lt Gov Dan Patrick sets rules of the Senate

Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick sets rules of the Senate

January 24, 2018

AUSTIN - Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick announced today that he is setting rules for the Republican members of the Texas Senate. Upon his announcement the lieutenant governor made the following statement:

"Based upon unprecedented issues facing the members of the Republican Party of Texas I have set strict rules that will be followed by every Republican office holder while conducting business in the Senate during the 2019 Legislative Session. Effective immediately the members of the Party will be bound to the following set of rules and guidelines."

1. Racist comments will not be tolerated. Racism is bad, very bad and any Republican Senator who has a racist thought or gesture should keep it to themselves and express their opinion only in the privacy of their own home. 

2. Do not send dick pics to interns. There will be many young interns working in the halls of the Senate. I expect every Republican Senator, including Senator Charles Schwertner, to refrain from texting the interns and sending dick pics while on the Senate floor. 

3. Do not call women the C word. I do not expect Texas Agriculture Commissioner Sid Miller to visit the Senate but if he does, do not follow his example and call women names, especially the C word. It is extremely offensive.

4. Don't steal your donors money. Campaign donations are to be used for your campaigns only, not for vacations, or mistresses, or sending your kids to private yachting lessons.

5. Don't be a dick. The Republican Party has become as popular as herpes at a hot tub party. Please do not contribute to this stereotype by being a dick about everything. Just don't be a dick. Please.

It is sad that in the 21st century I have to remind members of my party not to be racist, a creep, a Misogynists, a  robber, and a dick. For f*** sakes folks. Grow up.

Wednesday, November 21, 2018

Pete Olson comments on the killing of Jamal Khashoggi

Donald Trump issued a statement claiming the Washington Post journalist Jamal Khashoggi, killed and dismembered by the Saudi government, was actually a terrorist and making money with the Saudis is more important than the life of a journalist. From the White House:
That being said, we may never know all of the facts surrounding the murder of Mr. Jamal Khashoggi. In any case, our relationship is with the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia. They have been a great ally in our very important fight against Iran. The United States intends to remain a steadfast partner of Saudi Arabia to ensure the interests of our country, Israel and all other partners in the region. It is our paramount goal to fully eliminate the threat of terrorism throughout the world!
Texas Congressman Pete Olson issued the following statement concerning the United States intelligence community's assessment of the killing that was orchestrated by the Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman:
Olson continued with this:
"I cannot in good faith go against the wishes of President trump because he is our president and he might primary me in my swing district in 2020. Trump scares the living shit out of me and I cannot issue a statement at this time."

He didn't really say that, as you know, but he did not issue any statement on Trump's statement. He is, once again, silent.

Friday, October 19, 2018

Guidelines issued for the Houston Trump rally.

The following set of guidelines have been issued for the upcoming rally for President Donald Trump:

  1. Arrive early. There will be long lines for security.
  2. Remember this is a family event. Your signs and t-shirts should reflect our commitment to family values.
  3. Do not bring confederate flags or nazi flags. If you do at the very least remove the pole. It will not be allowed into the event.
  4. No guns allowed either inside or outside of the venue.
  5. Do not threaten the media. Remember they have cameras.
  6. Women enter at your own risk.
  7. A small group of people will be asked to stand behind the stage. Please consider the offer or leave.
  8. No Mexicans (except for a few behind the stage)
  9. No Teachers
  10. No Muslims (except for a few behind the stage)
  11. No Federal employees including former FBI agents
  12. No Blacks (except for a few behind the stage)
  13. No Jews
  14. No non-Christians
Have fun. Enjoy the event and don't forget your high blood pressure meds.

Saturday, September 29, 2018

Brett Kavanaugh" Just wait till I sit on the SCOTUS. Payback is a bitch

Brett Kavanaugh has been listed as another UFO. Unfit For Office.

His face says it all. His temperament was on display and his thoughts were too. Newspapers and various organizations are calling for him to withdraw his nomination. Kavanaugh came off as unfit to sit on the highest court of the United States. He took partisan snipes at, of all people, Hillary Clinton, claiming she is leading a vast left wing conspiracy. He cried. He yelled. He snarled. He acted like someone who should not sit on the court, or on the sidelines of a girls soccer team.

It was almost as if he had a message to Americans:

"You think I don't have the temperament? Just wait. When I am confirmed and sitting on the highest court of the nation....I will be voting on healthcare affecting your family. I will be voting on women's rights to manage their own bodies. I will be voting on rights of minorities to vote and to live in peace. I will be voting on public schools and teachers rights. I will be voting on workers rights. I will be voting on putting young brown children in cages and banning refugees based upon their religion. You think I don't have the temperament to sit on the Supreme Court? Just wait. I will show all of you what temperament is all about for the next 30 f***ing years. Pay back is a bitch. Bitch."

Thursday, September 20, 2018

Ivanka Trump unveils Space Force clothing at NASA/JSC

September 20, 2018 Houston, Texas. Ivanka Trump will be visiting the Johnson Space Center in Houston Texas with Texas Senator Ted Cruz. She will tour the facilities and speak with the Astronauts on the International Space Station.

"Ivanka, as Chief Presidential Stylist will unveil her new line of Space Force clothing to the NASA community. Our new line of stylish uniforms for engineers and astronauts will show their pride in performing their duties at NASA. We are excited to provide these items made in tariff free Thailand by young children who dream of being an Astronaut or highly paid Engineer when in reality they will make my clothing for pennies a day for the rest of their lives."

Ivanka as the White House representative will have Texas Senator Ted Cruz tag along to carry her merchandise.

Photo by Task and Purpose

Monday, September 10, 2018

TX Senator @TedCruz loses the fake boob vote

You just can't make this up. Really. I'm not making this up.

During one of his old white folks campaign stops Ted Cruz decided to target another set of people just like trump does. Unfortunately Cruz isn't as good as trump when it comes to insults. From CNN:

"We are seeing tens of millions of dollars flooding into the state of Texas from liberals all over the country who desperately want to turn the state of Texas blue," Cruz said. "They want us to be just like California, right down to tofu and silicon and dyed hair."

From Huffington Post
Silicon? Really? Soybeans? Tofu is made from soybeans and product that is grown in Texas. The producers have been hammered due to tariffs imposed by Ted's buddy in the White House. Tofu is also very popular in major cities across Texas. If Cruz had visited these cities over the last 6 years he might know this. 

If Cruz had attended a republican fundraiser he would also know that staring at fake boobs then making fun of them might not be the best idea for his campaign. There is so much silicone in his own party it's a wonder how there are any leaks coming from the White House at all. As Cruz said:

"As a conservative Texan I occasionally enjoy a face full of delicious tofu and big breasteses."

Ok. I made that up.

Thursday, August 30, 2018

TX AG Ken Paxton: Party invitation for killing pre-existing condition coverage

On Sept 10th, Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton will lead the legal team of Republican attorneys and AG's across the country to once and for all kill the pre-existing coverage mandate. According to a press release, Paxton will throw a party to celebrate:

AG Paxton Invites Texans to Celebrate the Death of the Pre-Existing Health Insurance Mandate

Thursday, August 30, 2018 – Austin 

Attorney General Ken Paxton invites all Texans to celebrate with him and his attorneys when they successfully kill health care coverage for pre-existing conditions. According to Paxton "We will celebrate restoring freedom of choice of coverage for all Texans. For the many Texans without an ailment like diabetes, cancer, high blood pressure, or other pre-existing conditions, they will have the freedom to choose a policy that covers only healthy individuals at a substantial cost benefit."
Paxton, as the Texas AG has been selected to lead the challenge to the Affordable Care Act. If successful health insurance coverage will revert back to pre-ACA policies. This along with removing the mandatory coverage mandate of the ACA will result in a successful dismantling the protections provided by the ACA. "Since Congress was not able to repeal the ACA, as they have promised for 10 years, I will do it piecemeal. In the end pre-existing coverage will end and we will celebrate!"
The Texas Attorney General invites all healthy Texans to the South Lawn of the Texas Capitol Sept 10, 2018 at 5:00 PM. No accommodations will be provided for the disabled, except for Governor Abbott since he has tax funded health care for life to protect him and his family. Their pre-existing conditions will always be covered as will mine. Everyone else should consider getting healthy, losing some damn weight, quit drinking and eating fried chicken, or go find some free healthcare somewhere. Consider Mexico or Canada. 

Wednesday, August 22, 2018

Federal employees warned about Pence coming to NASA on Thursday

You have to wake up pretty early in the morning to make up stuff like this. According to Fox Orlando:
NASA has announced that Vice President Mike Pence and NASA Administrator Jim Bridenstine will visit NASA's Johnson Space Center in Houston on August 23rd. They will discuss the future of human space exploration and the agency's plan to return to the Moon as a forerunner to future human missions to Mars.
In preparation for the traffic jams and the visit to JSC NASA HQs has issued the following statement:
NASA/JSC Employees, 
On Thursday the Vice President of the United States will visit Johnson Space Center to discuss plans to return to the Moon with select civil service employees. He will address these employees in Bldg 2 at noon. Invitations to this event will be sent late Wednesday. 
For those privileged enough to attend this great event with the Vice President, we ask you to adhere to a few simple guidelines. 1) Arrive early to complete the security process, 2) No signs will be allowed into the auditorium, and 3) With the extraordinary events of Tuesday we ask all employees to refrain from chanting "Lock him up! Lock him up!" instead consider "Back to the Moon!" or "Mars of Bust" or if you cannot be creative just chant "USA USA USA".  
For those who will not be invited to see Pence please consider taking a day of leave, or call in sick, or work from home. Do anything to avoid the traffic and embarrassment of watching the Vice President acting like nothing has happened over the last few days. Please plan to return to full work conditions on Friday.

Saturday, June 23, 2018

TX Republican "Little Baby" Briscoe Cain removed from convention

Not a picture from his Jr High Yearbook
This is not the first clown rodeo for Baby Briscoe. From a previous post:
State Representative Briscoe Cain from Deer Park had a temper tantrum vowing legislation in retaliation to the walkouts of April 20th to honor students killed at Columbine High School.
Baby Briscoe is a white wing tea bagger from Deer Park. He looks like a 12 year old. He was rated by Texas Monthly as the worst legislator in the history of Texas. (That is a bit of an exaggeration, but you get the idea. He sucks.) Briscoe continued being a little dick by driving to Ft Worth, gaining access to the Texas Democratic Party (which isn't hard since are conventions are open to the public) and handing out gun nut signs. It didn't work out as he planned. From the Star Telegram:
Cain, consultant Aaron Harris of North Richland Hills and two other men were asked to leave the Fort Worth Convention Center exhibit hall, but returned later in the Ninth Street foyer.
They were questioned and released about 5:20 p.m. by Fort Worth police.
Briscoe flashed what looked like a gun around his waist and was escorted out along with his political consultant who probably had to drive him to Ft Worth, using his own gas money. The police had a discussion with Baby Briscoe and released him to his mother.

His mother stated: 
"I am so sorry for my son's behavior. I have told him to not play cops and robbers in the open and to never take his toy guns out of the house. I intend to whoop his ass once I get him home."

Thursday, June 21, 2018

TX Congressman Brian Babin condition after being hit by a bus

After bragging about his support for separating children from their mothers in a press release, Texas Congressman Brian Babin was run over by a bus driven by Donald Trump. Trump was racing to sign an executive order to stop the policy he created and Babin had joyfully supported. Trump stated:
"This was not something I created. It was the Democrats policy and only an idiot would voice his support for it."
Babin will be meeting the press as soon as he can take the egg off his face. His press release has received about 20 comments, all negative concerning his support of the policy that trump created. The comment period is still open.

Monday, June 04, 2018

Tx Ag Commissioner, Sid Miller, to apologize for C word comment

It's hard to make this stuff up.

For immediate release
June 6, 2018

From the desk of Sid Miller, Texas Agriculture Commissioner

As an elected official of the great State of Texas, I have a responsibility to uphold the Constitution of the United States and Texas as well as represent the Office of the Agriculture Commission. Recently I have failed in one aspect of my duties.

In the past I have used a very derogatory comment towards female political opponents. Although I cannot defend my actions I would like to provide background for consideration.

I was raised on a rural farm. We were simple people, waking at the crack of dawn, working in the hot sun, and enjoying a cold glass of lemonade at the end of a very long day. We would go to church to praise our Lord Jesus Christ our Savior on Sundays as God wanted us to. We didn't have internet, social media, or twitter. Instead we relied on talking with our friends face to face including those we disagree with.

I went on to raise horses and ride in the rodeo. I was considered just an ole, simple minded, Christian, country bumpkin with a hat bigger than my head. Unfortunately this continues to this day resulting in my unfortunate use of the word C*** when referring to a female politician. For this I apologize.

In the future I will work to uphold the laws of the State, the word of the Lord, and the wisdom of family values and will use other words like bitch or whore.

Monday, March 16, 2015

How to drive in Texas: In the fast lane

I've said it before "We do things bigger in Texas". It's not really true unless you count the size of mosquitos or hair extensions, but we do have bigger idiots, many who drive on our Texas highways. With that in mind, here is another in the series "How to drive in Texas" this time:

Driving in the fast lane:
The fast lane on a highway, is called the "left lane". It is dedicated to those who want to drive faster than the "flow of traffic". 75, 85, 95 MPH is not uncommon, but for us Texans we don't follow those California type of rules. We are free spirited, do what we want, drive where we want, kinda folk. So driving in the fast lane is simple for us simpletons.

To drive in the fast lane simply move into the lane when you have an opening and drive what ever speed you damn well please. If someone rides your bumper, or if all you see in the rear view mirror is a truck grill, consider it as extra protection from being rear ended by someone driving like a damn Californian. Those who want around you can easily use the right lane or the shoulder while waving to you as they pass by.

That's the Texas way of driving in the fast lane. As I said, we do thing bigger in Texas.